easter, 2012

a human has to learn to take small steps. it is an ability i lack and i will be paying for that my whole life. that, and daydream a nature that is a part of me just a bit too much to discard it and run. i am content with easiness and beginnings, with being nobody and doing nothing, but a part of me wants to achieve irrational fairytale goals. there is nothing in between. everything or nothing. i do not know how to go from one to the other. and that applies for all little everyday things (and for all big everyday things): food, work, friends, writing, faith, hope, time.
e a s y
and then i think, the little things suddenly turn into monsters and i don’t know where to go anymore. i have dreams, but they are too big for me, too big for most, and it’s impossible to forget them. at the same time i cannot act towards making them come true because my mind refuses to work that way. you will gain nothing. yes, i agree, i will gain nothing.
so i do minimum and then proceed to my own restlessness. when i am here i want to be somewhere else; when i am somewhere else i want to be here. the problem of my whole life: i miss things before they happen. i miss things that have never happened. i miss things that will never happen. i miss things instead of making them happen, i always have and i always will.
i think now is time to change, though.
i do not like admitting that i have said that too many times before, and never succeeded, but it is as much as i can do for myself. the key is to learn that small steps, lesson by lesson, note by note, day by day, and i will not fail this time. there is not point to living a life that i mostly hate, and i will never understand why i, why most people, keep doing so.
easter is the best time to change. people try january first usually, or other days that signify some change or break from the usual, but easter is the best time. i believe in god. i believe and so now, after lent, it is the time to change for better, because i am assured that i have the power of my lord that is with me, always, stronger now than ever when we sing glory to the resurrected. if i cannot change myself now i never will, because all by myself it is impossible. so i would like this: this words and this place, to be a testimony of who i was, who i am and who i will become.
this year will be a hard one, with many changes and a difficult trial for me, but i need to go on, i need to grow, to bloom, to smile. with god by my side i will not fall.
this year i will learn to take small steps and, slowly, go on.

mors et vita duello
conflixere mirando:
dux vitae mortuus,
regnat vivus.


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